(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.