My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
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I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome