Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.