Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
If you know, you know
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me checking my bank balance online.