where’s Godzilla when we need him
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Nice try Hitler
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.