For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You Might Also Like
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
motivation
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother