If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Peace was never an option
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
A friend sent me this.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.