Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
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Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
The sacred texts.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*