An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick