My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You Might Also Like
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[eats all your cotton candy]
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.