Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
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*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.