Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
sistine chapel
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
incredible text to wake up to
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Simple enough.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry