Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Happy Taco Tuesday
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.