Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not