Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My wife gives the best headache.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Jail
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.