Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
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My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
you stereotypes are all alike
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I finally found a reason to live again.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]