“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting