Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
In space, no one can hear…
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.