*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.