a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.