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How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.