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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.