My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
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*praying for world peace*
God:
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Seems legit
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.