Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh