Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire