Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Yes
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful