[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
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I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.