Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
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“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.