You Might Also Like
What can I get you?
I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
🔘 all of the above
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
This meal prepping shit easy
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
my mom: you still coming over today?
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
For “Mean Tweets”
Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.