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Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*