You Might Also Like
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
![]()
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.