Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.