love pickles so much i put myself in one
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I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.