love pickles so much i put myself in one
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Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!