My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
No. He’s not coming out to play
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.