“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
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Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Netflix: We have Less
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.