The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.