the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.