the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
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This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
This trial is so absurd 😭
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
The 6 types of sex
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My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?