Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
yeet
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*