Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.