me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.