They did not think through this water fountain
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The three genders
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
every. time.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.