If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine