The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.