I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
It’s an epidemic…
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”