Meow?
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.