If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston