PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
this is the best day of my life
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.