A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
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There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Good Morning.
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
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Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game