Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
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Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?