A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100