[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler