accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
🤣could you imagine
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.