Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD