I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
You Might Also Like
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,