Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
🌱🌱🌱
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
My beach vacation Google searches
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.